The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
what are they serving at kfc then???
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Help Wanted
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”