Tier 3 meme
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If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Time for evil
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
So glad we cleared that up
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….