Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
me 2 months after i graduated
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.