[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
So the ex texted me