*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
You Might Also Like
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.