*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.