Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
New mindset, who dis?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.