Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
You Might Also Like
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
bout dat hot dog summer
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered