Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*