@omgthatspunny: Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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@TheNardvark: She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
@HannahFlores01: Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
@KateWhineHall: 10yo: You know that's not what they mean by exercise, right? Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]