My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!