[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Sing it!
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.