@Sarcasticsapien: Time for church.
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@NikiWithIssues: Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers.
@Rlpihl: [driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]
@roostermustache: Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel Cop: ya so what Me: so it's a nickel-less cage Cop:*macing me* son of a
@bananagrvyrd: My DNA results came back and apparently I'm .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I've ever had. About anything.