I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
how to exercise your calf muscles
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?