Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
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Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Google assistant rules
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?