@TheTweetOfGod: Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it's not.
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@kimtopher22: A minute, 45 seconds. How long I'll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it's not motion activated.
@Smuirf: Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you've heard Jamal.
@HomeProbably: Before I had my son, I used to hate kids. Now I just hate yours.
@kivtur: *steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this? Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
@trishm426: Hey kids, please don't wash the 13 glasses you've already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you're thirsty.
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