Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
“our sushi is very fresh”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”