TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
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me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Don’t talk down to me
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
That time Alicia messaged me
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”