Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
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sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel