Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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Your proctologist called. He found your head.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me