Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I put the h in mysterious.