“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug