“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?