Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.