check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.