Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!