Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
never forget
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.