@rohoxbaby: tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead
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@Bandersnaaatch: On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I've eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
@jakefromstfarm3: A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
@WilliamAder: My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
@clarkekant: One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.