TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be