@maxlavergne: TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you're on offer it a chip. If it eats it you're on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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@cottoncandaddy: starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws! me: oh hell yes starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead me: what are they made of starbucks: plastic me: starbucks: me: starbucks: wait shit
@jwoodham: As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
@TheTweetOfGod: If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
@RickAaron: I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.