TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
You Might Also Like
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Love this one 😂🧟
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?