*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?