Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
me adding lol on a serious message
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash