PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
🏙👨🏼
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree