CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Nice try Hitler
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.