@MKupperman: Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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@Smooheed: According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I've only had an apple for lunch but I can't throw my chair at him
@PattiOShankable: My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley. Clearly, I'm going to hell. My kids don't know what Bob Marley looks like
@GlumGeorgeLucas: My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job. I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
@thenatewolf: "You do realize it's a crime to lie in court, right?" *I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*