Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Always a metermaid never a meter
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.