WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
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My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.