Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go