Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar