Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
New favorite tiktok
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.