Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
oppen heimer style lol
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.