Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
good morning
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
What’s so funny?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go