1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Air conditioning – not a fan
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.