To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.