To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I bet birds love this building.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.