@XplodingUnicorn: [end of a job interview] Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it? Him: Me: Him: Which half?

@TheBoydP: If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

@WilliamRodgers: TRUE STORY Just made this restaurant change its "All you can drink Brunch" Policy.

@Slims_Ramblings: My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.

@ibid78: "So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* "I'm a people person."