@teeaysmith: To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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@alexqarbuckle: Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
@P_o_n_k: Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod
@PaperWash: "I bought a new car!" Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay? "Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"
@Smooheed: How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off