To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.