@TheDairylandDon: To avoid small talk with neighbors I've taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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@StoferComic: My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn't know the song "Get Off the Stage or Die." Elvis, maybe?
@FatherWithTwins: Me: What do you want for breakfast? 4yo: Bagel Me: *makes it 4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
@DamienFahey: Congratulations, Americans who write "Cheers" at the end of e-mails. You've found something even more pretentious than "Sent from my iPhone"
@TheCatWhisprer: The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.