To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Waiting for the Charmin
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
nobody’s gonna understand
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake