To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Unimpressed
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.