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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.