to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.