@MrRamBillings: To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce
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@jonnysun: ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
@TheRealRHB: Doctor: Any cancer in the family? Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on everyone else. Doc: ...
@AverageCorners: I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, "You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store".