My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
A short story of betrayal:
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar