Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
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Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
kids play hide and seek like
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao