Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
IT’S-A ME,
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Me trying to walk in a dream
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
who will stop them
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls