To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks