My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.